menial | 4 ~ I have never believed in Santa, ever. [audio]

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4 ~ I have never believed in Santa, ever. [audio]

...So, it's getting close to the end of the month again, but nothing weird seems to be happening. Or am I missing something? Anyone know if we might just be getting a reprieve or something? Or maybe I just shouldn't look the gift horse in the mouth.

['Because I don't believe in the Malnosso being Santa Claus to us.'

However, that's not the main purpose for this post; instead, he goes on with a filter he worked for a while on. Ideally, Asakura won't suspect it at all.]

[filtered to Shiki, Minato, Winry, Rise, SOS Brigade members who have interacted with him before, and other close-enough CR (PM me if you're not sure) // 55%]

Yo. If you guys have seen a girl with blue hair who smiles a lot, by the name of Ryoko Asakura... Well, I guess I've got something to ask of you if you do attract her attention, but I'd rather not put it on the journal, so please talk to me if you've met her.

['So what if that makes it seem like I might have a crush on her? Better that than someone hacks it and realizes that I know what Asakura is.']

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I am, actually!

['A...ha.

']

['Really, I could be relieved that Haruhi is now openly admitting that she's mentally ill.']

['On the other hand, how could something like this not have come up, up to this point?!

What does it even mean? Is she particularly attached to her pet chicken? As much as I'd like to bury my head in the sand, she clearly means some guy from context; but I haven't met any guy here who I would suspect along those lines. I mean, what kind of person would put up with her, even?

Understand, this isn't really a matter that affects me in any sense. She's not "my" Haruhi in any sense of the term, and we all know that already. Hell, Asahina-san is here, so really my concern for Haruhi's affairs can be diminished to the point of a pin in the glare of the sun.

However, at the very least, it's gotta have a bearing on my ability to get out of here and back to the regular Brigade...!

So I ask again: Who the hell is she talking about?']

So what should I say? Congratulations? Who are you talking about, anyway?

Why on Earth what you say congratulations?! That's just a weird custom to begin with - if someone's confessed the other party says yes, maybe then or maybe when you ask them out, but when it's been a thing for a while congrats is just really unnecessary and annoying. For that matter, Kyon, it's not like I'm that sort of obnoxious girl who spreads their affairs all over everyone else! It's a complicated situation that people find themselves in when they're prey to that disorder called love and the ones who can't keep their wits about them are the absolute worst, disgusting! I mean look at Xion at her worst or how people in those soap operas are!

['If this weren't on the journal, I have a feeling I would have a sharp finger poking me in the chest right now. What I garnered from all that is that Haruhi doesn't want to tell me who it is.']

Well, I'm not trying to have your affairs, uh, spread all over me... ['In fact, in the literal sense, I can think of few things I want less...'] ...but it still seems like something important in your life that might warrant at least explaining who or what you mean.

['"What" she means? I mean, I would be relieved if she were talking about a ...

Was I really just about to think "I would be relieved if she were talking about a vibrator"?

I need to go wash my brain with acid.']

Fine, fine. If you insist - it's not like it's some big dramatic thing or anything.

[Inhale, exhale. Trying to play this cooler than she is]

Winry's my girlfriend.

['....

Nope, still not over it yet.

Coming to this realization is like a post-apocalyptic future where a mutant snake is trying to eat a mutant elephant. Having just finished swallowing whole the main chunk of the elephant that is my level of disbelief in this statement, I, the snake, am now suddenly confronted with the fact that this elephant has fused together with another elephant and I'm only halfway through! God!']

['I have the feeling the longer I sit in this stunned silence, the more difficult Haruhi will be to deal with. I am also pretty sure I just made some stunned noise that sounded like "Whhheeggggggh?!"

That probably didn't help either.']

['May I ask for the millionth time, why me?! Why do I have to deal with suddenly-lesbian Haruhi in a world where we're all test experiments? I'm guessing there's another secret: other-me who left after a year found some particularly effective means of suicide!']

['...On the bright side, and it does seem to be a universal law at least that no matter how dark the cloud of charcoal soot is, there's some kind of brightness, if Koizumi ever gets here I'm going to laugh in his face for about three hours straight.']

['Back to the topic at hand!

Haruhi Suzumiya and Winry Rockbell! Well, that doesn't even sound remotely plausible in terms of names, does it? Never mind! What could possibly have possessed her to start dating a girl? She never dated a single one in middle school, right? I'm sure Taniguchi would have been slavering at the mouth when he had recounted her dates if that was true. I know she once said that boy or girl didn't matter as long as they were an alien, but, point of order! Rockbell isn't an alien...

I think.

What about personality-wise? Is Rockbell particularly the type of person who puts up with a ton of crap? Unclear. She seemed a bit mild-mannered, yes, but what that means is simply unclear to me, and I mean unclear not in the sense of your foggy eyeglasses, but in the sense that the Marianas Trench is unclear!

She is fairly cute, but that doesn't seem to really explain the balance of the situation in and of itself.

In conclusion: nope! I can't come up with a rational explanation at this point in time.

...In other words, elephant swallowed. And it tastes awful and is indigestible.

I'm mildly pissed off that she didn't tell me this before, for that matter. It doesn't sound as if it was a recent development exactly! Now, I know I have plenty of secrets from her, but this doesn't even seem like a secret so much as just a plain game-changer! And...']

['......Now I realize why she got sick.

....I can't decide whether that's going to give me a nosebleed or a headache. Or both.'

Finally, in a rather croaking voice:]

......

...No. Not a big dramatic thing at all.

Exactly, it isn't.

[...Except she totally heard that explosion, and this turn. in how his voice sounds. Wow, what even]

[His voice stays like that, slightly strangled, as he goes on.]

Well, I'm quite surprised. That you refrained from mentioning it before. I guess it really is that much of a little deal.

It's - [ ... ] Look, it's a big deal but it's not a big deal, okay?

['...No, I must have missed that day in class.']

I don't think I follow.

It's... it's not that the relationship is unimportant, it's that it isn't some thing I need to shout to everyone.

......

['I suppose I can't dispute that.']

But it's not a secret, at the same time?

['...I'm wondering whether or not I should blame everyone here for not telling me this, or whether Haruhi held them to a strict silence on the matter, or whether they assumed Haruhi would tell me on her own initiative-- yeah, I have to remember that I don't have Koizumi here to tell me every damn thing she's thinking and more things that she isn't.

I'm pretty irritated with everything right now, though. So maybe I won't be charitable about it. What does it matter, anyway?']

...

I always thought she was rather normal. Is she an alien, time traveler, esper, or what?

No.

[...] She's a mechanic.

Well...

At least a giant mecha mechanic, then?

['Or is Haruhi's marital bliss conceived with an entirely normal person? I can't see it happening like that.']

4 ~ I have never believed in Santa, ever. [audio]

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